Tired of Not Being Enthusiastically Chosen?

By Ashlee Rose - November 7, 2023

Why didn’t they pick me, choose me or love me?

A question that I spent years tearing apart, that swirled around relentlessly in my overused head.

I remember turning 29 and thinking that I was just going to have to accept that I may never be “happy” or satisfied in relationship this lifetime.

I had labelled myself as “doomed” in this area, believing there must be something inherently wrong with me.

From the age of 17 I had been one and off with multiple partners (running back to my exes whenever I could). I made whoever I was dating the source of my life and gave myself (and my dreams) up for them, totally lost myself in the process, spent 98% of my time in my head thinking about whether my relationships were right or wrong for me, and had no clue where to begin when it came to actually being satisfied and fulfilled within relationship.

I vividly remember throughout most of my longest relationship (that spurned over a period of 15 years - on and off again), constantly weighing up whether my ex was right or wrong for me.

We played the game of push & pull throughout most of the first 12 years of our relationship. On and off again. Committed, not committed. All in, and then all out. And my one complaint throughout that whole period of “togetherness”:

That he never really chose me.

(Although other’s would disagree with that statement, and knowing what I know now, I would too).

My deepest desire throughout my 20’s was to feel wanted, desired, and loved. Often having the opposite show up: those who I was interested in, never choosing me.

I spent countless hours researching, ‘how do you get a man to fall in love with you’, and many many more hours waiting around for said man to show up so I could get on with living happily ever after. I mean, that's what we're sold in movies, right?

Just like the story of Rapunzel, I waited, locked not in a tower, but in my ferocious mind, for my prince to save me. Trying to understand what I had to be or do different to get someone to enthusiastically choose me, just as Prince Charming chose Cinderella and Flynn chose Rapunzel, thinking that was the answer.

Alas, it never worked.


Each moment you make it about someone else choosing you, you abandon more of yourself.

And the more of you you abandon, the less of you there is for someone to choose.

How could I expect to be chosen by someone else when I wasn’t even choosing myself?

Upon reflection I’ve come to recognise this one (and often hard) truth: You can only be chosen to the degree to which you’re willing to choose yourself.

It’s never about another. And boy-oh-boy can that be confronting.

It can be so much easier to use said circumstances to make yourself wrong, or the other person wrong (the one that doesn’t appear to be choosing you), and judge you and /or them for it, rather than taking responsibility for where you’re (still) not choosing yourself.

The places you say ‘yes’, rather than your preferred ‘no’; the places where you put everyone else’s needs in-front of yours, where you base your choices on pleasing others, often at the expense of you; the places you’re creating your life around other people’s wants and desires, rather than bravely choosing your own. Whether that be in your romantic relationships, friendships, at work, with your children.

So why does all of this matter?

Because if you do not get that you can only be chosen to the degree to which you’re willing to choose yourself, you will always end up disappointed by the lack of people who show up in your life who truly and wholeheartedly “choose” you.

And not only that, when in a relationship, you will endlessly and unconsciously seek outside of your own heart for a “bigger, better, deal” than what you have now. Which becomes an ongoing and never-ending nightmare - expelling all your energy looking for the “next best thing”, and never fully choosing..


This I know all too well.

It turns out that it was never my ex’s job’s to enthusiastically choose me, it was mine. All of the hoping I did, wishing someday he would choose me fully and fight for me (which he did at the beginning and I was never willing to receive), was not only an incredible unkindness to place on him, but just the Universe's way of saying, "Choose yourself, goddammit". 

What I’ve come to recognise over the last 12 months is this:

Spending so much of our time hoping someone else will enthusiastically choose us, lead us to (often) overlook two very important factors.

The first should be obvious but often isn’t.

Being too concerned with whether we are liked and chosen, blinds us from taking the time to consider if we actually like them and if the addition of them in our lives would positively contribute to it.

And secondly, the best way to ensure a partner (or anyone for that matter) enthusiastically chooses us is to LET GO needing them to enthusiastically choose us.. and focus instead on enthusiastically choosing ourselves every day.

Oh, the irony.

So, my love.

If you’re waiting for someone to choose you.. you are someone.

Celebrate yourself everyday.

Have the courage to lead the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Refuse to settle for anything less than you desire and deserve.

Commit to creating to most exquisite, orgasmic, expansive life just because you can.. whether anybody is in it or not.

Commit to creating a phenomenal relationship with, YOU.

And everything will change.

This I am living proof of.
Desire to be empowered with the tools to create more connected, secure, intimate & happier relationships?

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