The Power of Not Fitting

By Ashlee Rose - September 28, 2023
ME.

The word that sums up what the inclusion of all Beings has invited me back to.

Confused? Let me explain..

For most of my life I’ve felt different - like I didn’t belong (or fit) anywhere.

I grew up on a farm in country Victoria, surrounded by more animals than one could count - chickens, ducks, horses, cows, rabbits, dogs, mice, cats, goats, sheep, fish. Enough animals to create a petting zoo.

I used to spend most days hanging out with them at home and having conversations, just like you would a friend. If I wasn’t on the front lawn with my best (animal) friends, I was often found sitting in the garden in a big patch of sunflowers (much taller than me at the time), talking to the fairies.
These moments were my happiest. The immense peace, silence, ease, magic and joy that I experienced was indescribable. I was ‘home’. The animals and spirits welcomed, saw and received all of me without judgment, which invited me to receive more of me.

However, from the age of 3, and whenever I left the confides of home and was surrounded by people, things were very different. I would often cry for hours and no amount of therapy changed that until the age of 14 – and really age 28 if I’m being honest. I remember being dragged out of the car kicking and screaming by my school principle on numerous occasions, throughout primary school and high school, often in front of a group of confused peers whom then bullied me for being “weird” - “why does she always cry?” and “what’s wrong with her?”, I would overhear them say.

Being surrounded by animals and spirits was my safe space, and leaving home and entering the vast, foreign, harsh and unforgiving landscape of this reality was not. I struggled making sense of the world around me, and the animal and spirit kingdom - a world without judgment, separation, rejection, and of kindness and true nurturing - was the only thing that did.

I don't remember exactly when, but at some stage during my teenage years the pain of being so different become too much for me to handle. So, I separated myself from the vast spirit kingdom and stopped including all Beings in my life. I gave up what was true for me, and my communion with the magical and ever-gifting Universe, in favour of "being normal".

“What is more valuable?”, I asked myself. “Being accepted and loved by people or being in communion with the vast Universe?”.

Being accepted by people, of course!

I was about to enter the long dark.

From that point forward my only goal was to be accepted and loved by people, believing that meant I had finally “made it”. Made it where? I wasn’t even sure, but surely it had to feel better than the pain of not fitting.. right?

So, I hide every part of me that I’d decided was unlovable and weird (being best friends with animals and spirits one of them) and donned my human mask that I was sure would make me loveable. Yet I never found myself any closer to that happiness that was promised by being like everybody else.

With each day that past I felt more and more isolated.. from everything & everyone.

The struggle of not fitting in (with any social group, community, or person I met in general) outwardly expressed itself as anxiety, severe depression, binge eating and suicidal ideations, which became all consuming throughout most of my 20’s. I spent a large portion of my time in my room, separate from the world around me, overcome by incessant and relentless thoughts that never stopped no matter how much I ate.

(all of the above – anxiety, depression, overeating, mind chatter, suicidal ideations – signs and symptoms of spirit awareness as well, but that’s for another day).

So why am I telling you this, you ask?

Because what many of us don’t realise is that so often the separation of ourselves from ALL beings is what creates so much of the pain in so many of our lives; the feelings of not belonging, disconnection, insecurity, aloneness, and later the pain of “not-enoughness”.

We often conclude this pain stems from mother / father / childhood wounds (which I’m not dismissing the validity of), but what if underneath all of that, this pain is a symptom of where we’ve separated from the vast Universe?

You see, you cannot separate from the spirit world without a cost, and that cost is the loss of parts and pieces of ourselves.

The disconnection, aloneness, insecurity, doubt, “not belonging”..

..what if it’s all a symptom of forgetting who we actually are? And what we actually belong to?

Recently, I started getting curious and looking at the moments in my life where the “pain” that inwardly (and outwardly) expressed itself throughout much of my life, didn’t exist.

Alas, my childhood: talking to and surrounding myself with the spirit world.

The moments where I was not separating myself from the natural world.

The moments I was not making only that which I (and many others) can see / hear / understand the only thing that’s real.

The moments I remembered that there were many other Beings (other than just people) that had my back, that were always there for me with no judgment – with and without bodies.

The moments I remembered that I belonged to something so much bigger: The entire Universe, and all the beings that walked alongside me / us.

And above everything else..

..the moments I remembered that I too am “one of them”: an infinite being (one who's hand-picked a body to express herself through this lifetime).

The moments that I’ve had access to ALL of me.

An infinite Being.

A child of the Universe.

Who is always enough.

Who has nothing to prove.

Who is always held & supported.

Who is connected to everything.

Who is much more beautiful, potent, aware, immense and brilliant than she / he has ever acknowledged.

Who belongs to something so much bigger than most can fathom.

Who’s worth exists within their very Being.

ME.

The word that sums up what the inclusion of all Beings has invited me back to.

xo
DESIRE MORE?
Curious as to how to begin to include the spirit world in your life so you can: access more of you, learn to receive yourself (and get the gift of you), and bring more ease & joy into your life?

I invite you to join me on October 6th @ 7:00pm ACDT for a 2-hour Talk To The Entities Introduction class (online via Zoom) to find out. Find out more information here & register for class here.

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One comment on “The Power Of Not Fitting”

WELCOME TO YOU, BEAUTIFUL.
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